Another Somebody Did
Somebody Wrong Story
.jpg)
My friends Kevin and Nicole* have a unique story. Kevin is a
successful man with a job in marketing who has worked hard to
live the "American Dream". Nicole works for a large
telecommunications corporation. Kevin and Nicole were high
school sweethearts. They never dated anyone but each other. They
were separated for four years when he went to UCLA to earn his
degree in Marketing. Nicole stayed in New Jersey and attended
Rutgers University. Kevin and Nicole struggled early on in their
relationship with more than their fair share of tragedy.
In the early 1980s, Kevin was in a very bad car accident. While
he and the driver of the car both survived, Kevin suffered
internal injuries that left him unable to have children.
In spite of all of this, in 1987, I attended the wedding of
Kevin and Nicole, and I watched as they began a life together as
husband and wife. Over the years, I watched them share the
journey of life together. I always admired what they had
accomplished as a couple. They always seemed so connected and
good for each other. They worked toward a common goal. Kevin and
Nicole were the epitome of a couple living the "American Dream".
They were fortunate enough to be able to purchase a beautiful home
in the early years. In the
later years of their marriage, they bought a fishing boat, a
beach home, and a motorcycle. They attended church together, and
they were both active in their community.
For more than 20 years, I have been blessed with their
friendship. I have been to their home, and they have been to
mine. We have gone on vacations together. We have shared a lot of
life together. Then just when you think
you know someone, the whole dynamic changes.
Recently I received a telephone call. I was shocked to hear yet
another tale of a marriage gone bad. Really bad. Suddenly I find
out that the marriage of two friends has been shattered by
infidelity, lies, and, excuse my melodrama, scandal.
Due to this, I spent an evening listening to a tale of woe,
filled with heartbreak and shock. Surprisingly (or maybe not),
this is not the tale of a woman who was wronged by her man.
Instead it was Kevin whose heart was broken.
While taking out the garbage, Kevin found a box for a home
pregnancy test. He
looked inside the box, knowing that he is unable to bear
children. In the box was a used test, with a
positive result. My cell phone rings at lunch time. On the other
end is Kevin, telling me of how he found the pregnancy test. He
tells me that he can’t understand why Nicole would cheat on him,
and he does not understand how she could be this cruel to him.
As is usual of me, I played Devil’s advocate. I tell him that
maybe it is not her test, but perhaps a friend was over and the test
belongs to this friend. I can immediately tell that Kevin does
not buy this story. I suggest that the test was defective giving
Nicole a false positive. I sense that he does not even want to hear
any
alternative. He is angry. He is hurt. And he knows that I know
that Nicole is cheating on him.
I agree to meet
Kevin after work for some coffee so that he and I can talk. An hour later, I receive a text message asking me to pick him up at his office, and he requested that we go for drinks instead.
Right away I know it will be a long and emotional night. I
prepare my husband for my inevitable "late night out with a sad
friend". Luckily I have an understanding husband!
I
drive in the pouring rain for 40 minutes to pick up Kevin at
work. We go to this little hole-in-the-wall bar. It is quaint
and quiet. I order some appetizers so that Kevin is not chugging
booze on an empty stomach. If he did that, it could get very
ugly really fast.
As it turns out, it does not matter that we had appetizers. The
conversation got ugly anyway.
Kevin tells me that he called Nicole that afternoon, and he
confronted her about what he found in the garbage. She coldly
confirmed that it was indeed her pregnancy test in their garbage. To add insult
to injury, she admitted to having an affair with a doctor for
the past two years. She also admitted that she was three months
pregnant, and she said that she had intentionally left the
pregnancy test in the garbage so that Kevin would find it. As if
that was not cruel enough, she announced that she was leaving
Kevin to be with Mr. Doctor.
It is truly sad to see a friend hurting. What made it so
difficult for me is the fact that Nicole and I are friends. I
would not classify her as a great friend, but I have known her
for over 20 years. I knew that I could not judge the situation,
nor could I badmouth her since I was only hearing one side of
the story. I have to admit, it was hard for me not to stoop to
Kevin’s level which included blame, name calling, and sheer
disgust.
What do you say to a friend who is in this situation? Do you
agree with all the bad things? Do you defend the other party? I
took the path of least resistance. I just listened. And
listened. And listened. I heard about how Nicole had told Kevin
that she was fine with the fact that he was not able to give her
children. I did, however, learn that there was an operation that
a urologist could perform that could possibly correct the
problem. The downside of this was that the procedure would have,
at best, a 20% success rate. The even larger downside was that
this operation cost upwards of $50K and no insurance company
would cover it.
As the years passed, Nicole pressured Kevin to have the
operation. He did not want to spend the money on the procedure
considering its low success rate. Also there were risks involved
to Kevin. Should there be complications, it was entirely
possible that he could be using a catheter for the rest of his
life. He did not feel this was a gamble that he wanted to take
with his life or their future.
Nicole was relentless. She wanted to have children. I guess her
priorities changed as she got older. I can’t really fault her
for that. Many women have thought that children were not going
to be a part of their life, only to discover that the maternal
instincts kicked in. Kevin suggested adopting a child, but she
wanted no part of that. She wanted a baby of her own. Kevin even
went as far as suggesting that she get pregnant by using the
sperm of another man. Again, Nicole turned that down. She wanted
her own children with her own husband.
I
am not sure I can fault her for wanting her own children.
However, I feel that Kevin gave her other very viable choices.
She also knew the situation when she married Kevin. I am not
sure how she could justify $50K for an operation that is, at the
most, 20% successful and could put her husband’s future health
at risk. Then again, I am not judging her. That is not my place
or my job. I believe that there is a Higher Power for that.
But this is where I get confused. Nicole always told everyone
that she loved Kevin because he was her soul mate and the love
of her life. Yet somehow she managed to meet another man, carry
on a long term affair with this man, and get pregnant. So where
did her love for Kevin go? (Am I judging?)
I
don’t want to make assumptions about why this happened. Having
had many friends who have divorced, including myself, I
understand why marriages fail. I almost understand the reasons
behind affairs. I suppose that it is easy to become
disillusioned with your spouse and seek solace in the arms of
someone else. No matter what anyone says, both parties of a
failed marriage are at fault. Never is one party to blame. I
have learned this – even though it took me MANY years! Yet the
kind thing to do is to end one relationship prior to starting
another. Unfortunately that is not how it happens in most cases.
And it is not how it happened in Kevin and Nicole’s case.
In sitting with Kevin in this quiet bar, I learned so many
things about this marriage that I once thought was so perfect. I
spent a lot of time trying to achieve the kind of relationship
that I (so wrongly) thought that they had. Sadly, no
relationships are perfect. What appears perfect on the outside
can be so different behind closed doors.
After listening to Kevin's story, I think if I had a scoreboard, I would have to say that Kevin was the
good guy in this marriage. The old adage about "Nice guys finish
last" is true in his case. He is left broken and betrayed,
trying to pick up the pieces of his trashed life. Nicole wants
nothing from him. He gets to keep their home, the beach house,
the boat, and the motorcycle. She wants none of their finances
that they have accrued together. She just wants to put her 20
years of memories in a box and file them away.
Kevin, on the other hand, wants things to be the way that he
thought that they were. That pretty picture of the "American
Dream" no longer exists. Well, it does not exist in reality, only
in his memory.
Again I ask, what do you do for a friend who is watching his
life disintegrate right in front of him? I think the only thing
you can do is listen. Listen and care.
Finally about 10:00 PM, I got Kevin to agree to go home.
By this time, he has
had way too much to drink, and the pity party has begun. I
decide that I will simply take him home, and he can get his car
the next day. We get into my SUV. Barely. There is nothing like
trying to get a drunk man in to a car when he clearly does not
want to do so.
We drive to his home in complete silence. I honestly do not
think either of us said one word. I figured that Kevin was all
talked out. I know I was in my own shock from the revelations of
the evening. I pulled my SUV into his driveway. He thanked me for
going out and listening to him. I replied that there was no need
to thank me because this is what friends are for.
Then I made my biggest mistake of the evening. I asked him if he
was going to be okay. Big mistake. BIG! HUGE!!! (Thank you Julia
Roberts and the movie "Pretty Woman") This is when the tears
started. And then came the sobbing. And more sobbing. And still
more sobbing. Talk about heartbreaking. All I could do was hold
him. There was nothing more for me to say. There was nothing else to do.
After what seemed like an eternity, he stopped crying, and he
announced that he was going inside. I walked him into his house,
stayed for a little while; just until I was sure he'd be okay and that it was
safe for me to leave.
My drive home was quiet and very reflective. I thought long and hard
about the way life turns out. We never know what the future
holds. We never can tell what life will deal to us. We simply
hope for the best.
My hope is that Kevin finds peace in this. I think that it will
take time. Lots of time. Unfortunately, he has a long, difficult
road ahead of him. But if nothing else, he knows, without a
shadow of a doubt, he has me for a friend. He has known it for
well over 20 years. We have triumphed in the best of times, and
we have suffered through the worst of times. I truly believe
that friends make life worth living. I just hope that Kevin will
remember that. And I hope that every one has the kind of true
friendship that Kevin and I have.
